Saturday, February 2, 2013

February 2, Oh Why Must You Torment Me!

So February 2 has always been a pretty intense day for me. For as long as I can remember, every year on Feb 2, I cry. Why you ask? Because Feb 2 is my grandmother's birthday, the one who I was closest to as a child, the one who past away when I was only 4 years old. I learned a lot about death that day, more than any 4 year should should know, or even be able to comprehend at that age. And though I welcome the groundhog, and celebrate Imbolc, I still cry over the passing of my grandmother.

The memories are what flood my mind the most, and the thought that always plagues me is that although I know she is always looking after me, she isn't here in the physical form to celebrate with us all that we have accomplished over the years. She'll never get the chance to hold my son in her arms, she won't be able to be there to congratulate me when I get my college degree, she won't be there to hug me when I get married...All of these thoughts bring me to tears, and I replay the moment she was buried in my head, over and over, with every year that passes, no matter what I do.

She was so young, just shy of 41 when she passed....
 My grandmother was one of the most amazing women in the world, she was always there for everyone, even if it meant going out of her way to help, she never hesitated to do it. She was the glue that held our family together, and when she passed away, the glue slowly dissolved, and eventually everyone went their separate ways, even as far as leaving to other parts of the country.

My grandmother and my grandfather..She was his entire world,
quite literally. When she passed, he was more than devastated,
and he went to a dark place within himself for a very long time.

I know within myself that this day will never be different for me, that my love for my grandmother and sorrow from her passing will never dwindle in the slightest, but I'm ok with that. As long as I hold on to the good memories along with the bad memories, I can live with crying my eyes out once a year. I will leave you with this poem that every time I hear or read it my thoughts always turn to her:

My Grandmother

© Victoria L. Payne
In my Rose Garden of memories
I see you standing there
An angel in disguise
Who taught me how to care
I long to hear your voice
for real not in my dreams
I am missing you so much these days
how empty my world seems
People say time heals all wounds
that someday the pain will subside
But Grandma I can tell you
I think they must have lied
The emptiness I am feeling now
is strong and I am weak
These days go by without you
so dreary and so bleak
In my Rose Garden of memories
I know you'll always be
for though you're gone
from this mortal world
In my heart you'll always be.

Sorry to sadden you all, I hope you all have a great evening! Keep it magickal always!